Unqualified

I received some feedback about one of my research proposals. In so many words, the reviewer thought I was unqualified to d what I had set out to do. He/she said words to the effect of, "this research should be conducted by someone from psychology or the neuromedical field, not by computer science". Ouch.

This is not the first time I've been on the receiving end of this kind of criticism. I've written several times about the challenges of interdisciplinary research. You don't fit in a nice, neat box and if you don't explain yourself (indeed, prove yourself) in the language of the reviewers, you are ... doubted.

I have been given an opportunity to defend my proposal--one that I intend to seize. I do have a game plan. I will go over the purposes of the research and the accomplishments. I will try to underscore the computer science-ness of the work. I will point to our outputs and publications. I will point to my consultants who themselves have substantial work in these out-of-the-box areas. And I will hope that these are enough to convince what seems to be a skeptical audience that I am not selling snake oil.

What if, despite all that, they still say no? I will be disappointed, maybe even a little angry, but mostly I will still be grateful. Grateful? Yes, grateful. I think that these past few years have been blessed with a great many opportunities I never thought I would have. The funding I've been given thus far has enabled me to work with some of the most brilliant experts in what has become my field. I've been able to help some of our most talented students publish and get their degrees. I have been able to publish more than I've ever published. I think I've done well. I think the track record is something that makes all those involved proud. But that's me and I'm hardly a neutral party. If a third party, specifically THE third party that holds the purse strings says otherwise, then all I can do is say thank you for what has been given to me so far--which is far, far more than has been given to many of my peers and colleagues. I am blessed many times over.

I will fight for this, of course I will, and if they say no, I will not despair. I will find a way to continue to move the work forward.

The dreaded baul

When I was growing up, we had several bauls--camphor chests--distributed throughout the house. They were large, dark brown, and studded with mother-of-pearl. They served a useful purpose in that they doubled as tables for telephones and directories. I never really liked the concept of bauls because to me they were like black holes: What goes in never comes out. I remember my mom opening them up maybe once a year and yanking out mothball-scented, checked double knit polyester. I swore I would never buy a baul.

Well, fate has a way of punishing us for hubris. Yes, I have bauls in my house--they're plastic and translucent, they don't smell like mothballs nor do they contain double-knit, but they are bauls nonetheless.

Unto many households are bestowed things that are seldom used: Sweaters, turtlenecks, long underwear, gowns. You need them on occasion, but mostly, you have to protect them from the humidity and dust. So you pack them in a baul. There are other alternatives, of course. You could have them cleaned or washed regularly, even if they aren't used (expensive). You can give them away and buy new stuff on an as-needed basis (even more expensive). I'm off to the mall today to pick up even more of these plastic tubs.

As I get ready to leave, I find myself hoping that I've still carried with me a few lessons from the past about what to keep and when to let go.

How to buy gifts

During Noche Buena, one of my cousins shared his criteria for buying gifts for one of the important people in his life. He says that anything he gets has to be unique, expensive, heavy, useless, and hard to clean. If it meets all five criteria, for sure, she will love it.

Brat

This must happened when I was about three years old.

Each time a Christmas gift arrived for me, I would tear off the wrapper and forget all about the contents. Indeed, I cared not about gift itself but about the sound of paper ripping and shredding. As a result of my overenthusiasm, I didn't have any gifts left on Christmas day. Shocked and distraught, I called my lolo saying, "Lolo, I didn't receive any gifts this Christmas. Maybe no one loves me."

Ever the doting grandfather, my lolo got my yaya on the phone and gave her an earful of words that you really shouldn't be saying on Christmas day. My youngest brother, Mike, then ran to the pantry and started wrapping cans of corned beef and bottles of Royal Tru Orange. In the meantime, my lolo rushed off to Rustans (apparently they were open on Christmas day) and bought me an armload of new gifts. My parents were both aghast and unamused. They couldn't say anything, though, not with my lolo around.

Yes, I was a brat. Yes, I learned my lesson. And yes, that was a really fun Christmas.

The plans that we've made

40 was a year of professional fulfilment. This was the year of my first multiyear grant. This was the year of the Fulbright. 41 and 42 were about horizontal professional growth. These were the years of OIP, now OIR, the first phases of learning how be one of the university's public faces. 43 is about to begin and it promises to be a year of levelling up. After having learned to swim in an indoor pool, I feel as if I'm now about to to cliff-dive off La Push. There's an enormity about next year that overwhelms me and while I do have plans for coping with it, there's no certainty to the outcome.

There's no turning back, though, and no desire to turn back. The way forward is clear. The rest is faith.

Nanny's Hands

About 15 years ago, I wrote an essay entitled "Nanny's Hands." It was about my Nanny, Remedios Navelgas. She began working with my family in 1953 and has stayed with us ever since. The essay was published in the Sunday Inquirer then later in Queena Lee-Chua's "Blessings for the Home" book. Just yesterday, December 18, it came out as a children's storybook.

In the spectrum that is my creative work, I'm tempted it put it left of center, which is to say I've written better (and worse). My 17-year old nephew read it and said, "There's a shift in the writing style somewhere in the middle. I'm just saying." Sigh, everyone's a critic. :)

I stand my the sentiment behind the book, though--one of love and appreciation for one woman who has devoted and continues to devote to my family. All of us are older now. There are no more babies in the family. Our children are grown up and at the cusp of independence. Nanny herself is slower and nowhere as energetic as before. It's time for our hands to hold her close and keep her safe.

The next phase

New grant approved. MOA is queued for signature. Funds to follow as soon as the papers are signed. The future is bright. Also scary. Lots of work ahead. Help needed.

Narcissistic leadership

When I was Chair of DISCS, I was not known for my subtlety. I was known to be pushy, to the detriment (so I'm told) of faculty morale as well as my general likeability. I remember being warned that if I continued stomping onwards, without regard for people's feelings, I'd be remembered only for the poor interpersonal relationships that I made, and not for my accomplishments. Being Chair, I was told, was 80% administration and only 20% leadership, so there was no need to be quite so pushy and that faculty morale took precedence over mission, vision, goals or even rules.

At some point, I bought the book of Michael Maccoby, "Narcissistic Leaders". The book spoke to me, not because I saw myself as a Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, but because I saw some of the characteristics of narcissistic leaders--both pros and cons--in myself. To quote from the Harvard Business School:

"Narcissists bring plusses and minuses to their roles as leaders, says Maccoby. On the plus side, they bring great vision, an ability to see the big picture and, as a result, the opportunity to change the very rules of the game. They are also especially gifted in attracting followers, usually through skillful use of language, though charisma, adds Maccoby, is a double-edged sword. On the minus side, narcissistic leaders can be poor listeners, sensitive to criticism, lacking in empathy and 'relentless and ruthless in their pursuit of victory.'"

I can identify in particular with the "relentless and ruthless" part, because I do tend to be very goal-oriented. It isn't my goal, for instance, to "develop" people. It is my goal to get a job done, and personnel development is only salient in so far as it helps reach organizational targets.

I believe that no organization is perfect. There's something worth changing or growing in every single one. It think it is the job of a leader to find those opportunities and pursue them, even at the cost of being disturbing and possibly unpopular.

And I think that this is what separates the leaders from the administrators. The leaders push the boundaries. They don't simply maintain the status quo. They innovate. They find creative solutions to problem. They tap previously ignored resources. They don't just go with what people want, they give people something to want, something to do. They help the department evolve into the next thing it has to be.

One thing I was not in all this was a culture bearer. In retrospect, I liken what I did to throwing spaghetti at a wall. Much of it fell to the ground, very little of it stuck. Maybe people weren't ready. Maybe the changes were too radical or took too much energy to maintain. Maybe departmental priorities shifted. Shrug. It is what it is.

After my five year tour of duty, I realized what really changed was me. I might not have been able to change the Department much but I was able to change myself, to become the change that I wanted to see in everyone else... which I guess is still consistent with my narcissism. In the end, it's still all about me.

Demotivation

This week was all about demotivation. I had at least five cases in which students lost steam. "Cura personalis" me wants to be all aww, poor you. But that's the minority vote. Overall I'm pissed. I'm disappointed. And I feel just a little bit betrayed.

Everyone feels demotivated sometimes. That's human. However, there is still work to be done. Demotivation doesn't change that. You have to work past these feelings and focus on the job.

Post-modern parenthood

The post-modern parent is counterintuitive. We force our daughters to make friends with cute guys on Facebook. We threaten to ground them if they don't. We tell them to stop studying and go to sleep. We offer them rewards to be less driven than they are. We pay for make-up (as in cosmetics) lessons. We encourage them to go to parties so they can have a social life. We say things like, "Can you still UNinvite X from prom? Y is so much cuter!" We ask our daughters to buy us junk food and frown when she comes back with yoghurt instead.

We are so weird.

The home org

Some of the Ateneo's orgs have a very clear mission. The socially-oriented orgs, the performing arts orgs--everyone understands what it is they do. There's a little less clarity about what is it the home orgs are supposed to do and to this day I'm still confused.

I tried to come to an understanding of home orgs during my term as Chair. My hypothesis was that the home orgs existed to support the department and the majors. I was right about supporting the majors. The orgs conducted tutorials and stuff, especially prior to exams. I was wrong about supporting the department, though. I remember meeting with the presidents of MISA and CompSAt several times and across several administrators. I laid out the department's plans and where I thought they could contribute. Nothing happened. I mean seriously. Not a single program was picked up. The biggest disappoint was that there was a very large NGO that wanted to partner with one of the orgs for public school teacher training in network maintenance as well as installation of network hardware and software. The org didn't act on that opening at all. Eventually, I got it through my head that supporting the department as in participating in department-defined priorities was not what home orgs did. And that was fine. I stopped trying to fold the orgs into the department's life and moved on.

I do still have my own ideas about what a home org should do. Yes, I think that they should provide academic support for students who need it. I do think they should support departmental projects and priorities--this is why it's called a HOME org, right? And I think that the orgs should push the academic bounderies of their constituents, to supply what we don't or can't within the curriculum. I think, for example, that the orgs should activity participate in the Imagine Cup, the code jams, the IT case competitions--all of those. The home org should assert that they are very good, if not the best, at what the are academically trained do.

But that's just me.

How to begin...

I just added a couple of new tasks to my to-do list, and the deadlines are immediate. Why did I agree? Because the opportunities were ripe and I didn't want to waste them. Now the problem is navigating my way through this to-do list...