As parents, we want our children to be capable of living independently. We want them to be able to regulate their own work habits, find their own jobs, earn their own money, run their own household, and all-in-all solve their own problems without us coming to the rescue. Yet it's hard to see our children as becoming more and more capable and, perhaps, harder still, to accept that we aren't (as) needed anymore. There is, therefore, a temptation to meddle, under the guise of "staying involved."
Overparenting doesn't always help, though, because the truth is overparenting elders tend to see what their children as the children they ought to be and not the people they are. Years ago, there was a girl who was leaving Ateneo because of an academic deficiency. Her father and grandfather came to see me to ask what could be done. I said that I was sorry but it was too late. The grandfather went on and on about how well he knew the girl and how certain she was that she would, if given the chance, recover from her academic failures and continue her Ateneo life as a stellar student. As the grandfather spoke, my eyes were only on the girl. She sat in silence, alternately rolling her eyes and scowling. When the grandfather was done, I asked her, "Where are YOU in all this?" She didn't answer. My sense was she resented the grandfather's claim that he knew are at all and just wanted to be left alone.
My suggestion: Stay in touch with your kids.
